so. very. sad.

Warning: Sad post ahead, consider yourself warned. Should you choose to continue reading, grab a tissue.


I knew this day was coming for awhile, it just doesn't make what I had to do any easier. I had to somehow find the words to say good bye to my best friend. I had to put my sweet Jesse to sleep. I don't think I have it in me to go through all the reasons why, but I do need to keep reminding myself that she is happy, running around again, and I know she is overjoyed to have her sight back.

(This is my all time favorite picture of Jesse, isn't she a beautiful dog?!)

I am struggling to find the words to say all that I want to say about her in a tribute that will really do her justice for those who didn't know her, so I'll just tell you our story and see where things go.


When Livy was 2 about to turn 3, right around the age JD is now, we looked into getting a dog. After deciding on a German Shepherd, I began my research on breeders. Somehow Jake stumbled across a female German Shepherd that needed to be adopted from a local pet adoption fair. She was available that weekend, so we decided we'd check her out first before continuing on our breeder search. Jake had drill that weekend and wouldn't be able to come with us, but said if we liked her then to go ahead and bring her home. So, the kids and I went, filled out our application and met "Jessy": an almost all black shepherd, terribly skinny, but really sweet and calm. She was just laying in her crate interested in all the people walking by, but not overly nervous or hyper, barking and pacing like some of the other dogs there. Honestly, after filling out our application and seeing the amount of people there trying to adopt the animals, I didn't want to get our hopes up. We had to list the size of our house and yard on the application and whether or not the yard was fenced, and let's just say, our answers were not exactly ideal for a dog of her size. But still we tried to busy ourselves while waiting for the adoption people to decide who would get each animal. They took forever. Really. We hung out by her crate for hours watching the other families, trying to be cool, but seeing them as competition and secretly hoping they were there for another dog or cat. When "the list" was finally posted, we hung back a bit, hesitant and nervous that we might not have been picked, but when the crowd thinned a bit, I made my way up, found her name and next to it was written WEBER. Wahoo!! I immediately called Jake, "We got her!!" I exclaimed. Somehow, we had been chosen to take her home - it was meant to be. We hurried to sign paperwork while they took her out to potty, and to this day I have never forgotten what she looked like coming back in to be handed over to us - she had this adorable little trot, so confident, yet so playful puppy-ish at the same time. I fell in love with her right then and there.

We bought her a crate and all the other puppy essentials and brought her home. We had our work cut out for us getting her back in good health. She had been very seriously neglected, ended up in a GSD rescue which didn't even take puppies, and then quickly unloaded on this pet adoption agency to be placed in a home. She had already been spayed (at an alarmingly young age as per the adoption people's rules), and her paws had big open sores on the pads from the wooden crate lined in newspaper that she had lived in for too long. She gained 8 pounds the first week we had her and I felt so great knowing she was finally getting the care she deserved. She had issues for a little while, being nervous around men in particular, but slowly gained confidence and fit into our family perfectly. She was always a sensitive Shepherd, emotional at times, and quirky, but that made us love her all the more. I wanted to change her name, something a little more "German" sounding, but nothing we tried really stuck, so I gave in although I couldn't live with the cutesy, Barbie-ish sound of Jessy with a "y", so I made it more tough, and changed the spelling to Jesse. Much better. I always said she's a German Shepherd not a cheerleader! :) A few months later, Livy one day got mad at her for something and yelled, "Jesse James!" in the type of frustration only a puppy can bring out in you, but we all laughed, and needless to say, her "full name" became Jesse James - especially when she was in trouble. As she got more comfortable with us (and started being called Jesse James a little too often) I decided it was time to take her to puppy training. I found a trainer I really liked and signed us up. Jesse was FABULOUS!! She loved going to class and so did I. Our trainer, Sherma, was this tiny little thing that had huge Rottweilers doing the coolest stuff I had ever seen. She had won a few national obedience titles and I hung on to her every word. The simple, basic obedience class we signed up for changed my life in a way I never could have imagined. Jesse picked up on things quickly and Sherma encouraged us to take an advanced class, or get into an agility club because we worked together really well, and she could tell I was really catching the dog training "bug". By this time Jesse was starting her bratty teenager phase and we took a break from formal training classes to work through the pack leadership boundaries she was pushing and never did get into an agility club, but what we did end up getting into was even better!


I randomly found out about a K9 Search and Rescue training group that was forming in my area. Jesse had turned 2 and had mostly grown out of her puppy-ness and was no longer a bratty awkward teen, so it was a great time for us to get back into training. It took all my courage to make the first step cause I'm not really the type to go out on a limb that much, but it seemed like this outside force was just pushing me to it. Probably more to my own shock than anyone else's, I actually called up the guy in charge and he told me when and where they met for training and said for us come out - they were always looking to add to their group and wanted to see what my dog was like. Of course I was nervous, but the minute we got there, we felt like we completely belonged and I knew I had found something I would be involved with for the rest of my life. Its so strange to think I could have easily missed out, because the people I met that day and others involved that I've met since then have become my closest friends and its nearly impossible for me to even remember what I was even like before SAR training. My poor warped children get dragged along with me on countless mountain adventures and now talk about things like scent detection and wind patterns and know far too much about the canine scent ability. Nathan and Livy have their own hydration packs, and have asked for their own Garmin GPS radios for Christmas (maybe someday). Elle grew up in my Kelty backpack out there and there were many times when I carried 2 babies out on searches - pregnant with JD in the front and Elle in the Kelty in the back. And all this time, I had my Jesse by my side. She was always so excited to get to work. I couldn't even move my pack in the house without her going crazy ready to get out there. We learned so much together - and as cheesy as it sounds, I truly discovered myself through working with her.

She was such a fabulous dog, and we were having such a great time in training, I decided it was time to get another Shepherd - one just wasn't enough! We got Mikka when she was 6 weeks old from a good friend and I was so excited for the prospect of a 2 dog team to work. One day, when Mikka was about 6 months old, my dogs came in from playing together outside and I thought Mikka had nipped Jesse a bit because she had this red blister-like spot in one of her eyes. I decided to watch it closely, but 2 days later when it wasn't any better and the other eye had developed the same thing, I had this horrible feeling and took her straight down to the vet. He knew what it was right away - Pannus, a degenerative eye disease where her immune system attacks the cornea causing scar tissue to grow over the eye. Steroids and anti-inflammatory medication can attempt to slow the growth over her eyes, but nothing else can really be done. There is no cure and we were facing eventual blindness. It was heartbreaking news for my SAR dog who of course relied on her nose for her work, but would definitely be limited without her sight. I was devastated but she never acted like it bothered her too much. She was a champ and soldiered on, never complaining, but after dealing with the disease for 2 years everyday life became very difficult for her and I could see that it was starting to take a toll on her. When she seemed to have more bad days than good I knew what I had to do. I loved her so much and couldn't bear to see her suffer, but I also just couldn't find a way to let go. She was still young and otherwise perfectly healthy, it was so hard to admit that it really was time.

So, here I am, trying to put all my thoughts and emotions into words about the best kind of friend anyone could ask for. I hate the theory some dog trainers teach - that dogs aren't capable of the type of love that we humans experience, that they will act like they "love" any person who feeds them and gives them shelter. I refuse to believe this, I have learned that the truest friend you could ever have is a dog. They forgive so easily and love so unconditionally and
they never say the wrong thing, and are always there when you need them. I don't care what the "experts" say - experiencing the bond I was lucky enough to have with Jesse, I feel much better just knowing for myself that she loved me too. Jake drove me up to Star Valley, Wyoming to bury her in the place she loved the most. We found a beautiful, quiet spot among the aspen trees behind the house and we carved her name in a tree. Jake even dug up a tiny aspen tree to bring home and plant in our yard, I'm calling it my Jesse-tree. It will be there watching over me like Jesse always was.

(Hmmmm. Please forgive the un-glamorous-ness of this picture, but its what happens when you've been crying non stop for days - its kind of hard to look your best.)

Rest in peace, Jesse - my truest friend and the best dog ever. I miss you already.

I found this little poem that although I can hardly read through tears, it almost helps me remember that as hard as this was for me, I had to do it for her.

From Friend to Friend

You're giving me a special gift,

so sorrowfully endowed.

And through these last few cherished days,

your courage makes me proud.

But really, love is knowing

when your best friend is in pain.

And understanding earthly acts

will only be in vain.

So looking deep into your eyes

beyond, into your soul,

I see in you the magic that will

once more make me whole.

The strength that you possess

is why I look to you today,

to do this thing that must be done

for its the only way.

That strength is why I've followed you

and chose you as my friend,

and why I've loved you all these years . . .

my partner 'til the end.

Please, understand just what this gift

you're giving means to me.

It gives me back the strength I've lost

and all my dignity.

You take a stand on my behalf

for that is what friends do.

And know that what you do is right

for I believe it too.

So one last time, I breathe your scent,

and through your hand I feel

the courage that's within you

to now grant me this appeal.

Cut the leash that holds me here,

dear friend, and let me run

once more a strong and steady dog,

my pain and struggle done.

And don't despair my passing,

for I won't be far away,

forever here, within your heart,

and memory I'll stay.

I'll be there watching over you,

your ever faithful friend.

And in your memories I'll run

. . . a young dog once again.

Author Unknown